May 1, 2006 - London, England
Harry Potter declares "I am more popular than Jesus!" in a recent news
conference. The 16 year old wizard and Hogwarts student also added
"Not only that, I'll outlive him and do more good in the world than he
ever thought possible!"
Needless to say, religious leaders across the globe are fuming and
staging a "Harry burning" in many different locations. Pope Benedict
XVI stated in his Sunday sermon, "Bring your Harry Potter books, DVDs,
and other paraphernalia to St. Peter's Basilica on Sunday, May 7th for
a massive Holy burning and cleansing to rid our world of Harry Potter
and his devil demeanor!" He also added, "Marshmallows and hot dogs
will be provided for toasting." [ed. Thank you to Rev. Hans Schniztler
for the translation.]
When asked for a comment, J.K. Rowling simply stated, "I apologize so
sincerely for creating such a wretched character. I had no idea that
he would get such a huge head and let this whole 'fame' thing get to
him." She declined any further comment presently.
We tracked Mr. Potter down for a comment today and he tried to refute
his previous statement with, "I'm not saying that I'm better or greater
or comparing myself with Jesus Christ as a person or God as a thing or
whatever it is. I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying.
I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy
anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I
still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I
did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy,
then OK, I'm sorry."
Cardinal George of Chicago has said this morning about Mr. Potter's
rebuttal, "Be that as it may, Harry Potter is still out of control! We
believe that it's time to put an end to such a defamation of not only
our Lord, but Jesus Christ. Amen." Amen indeed.
The KKK is planning to stage a protest when the next movie, Harry
Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix, comes out in theaters. "We have
quite a demonstration planned for every major theater in the world!"
warned an anonymous KKK leader. He added, "Although it's about a year
away, we will not forget!"
To find details on times and locations near you for Harry burnings,
please visit your local church, temple, or mosque.